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Sunday, 14 August 2011

The Most Caustic, Ironic and Funny One Liners

God must love stupid people. He made so many.

Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.

Some people say "if you can't beat them, join them". Bullshit, I say "if you can't beat them, beat them", because they will be expecting you to joing them, so you catch them unguarded.

The voices in my head may not be real, but they have very good ideas.

Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.

Never get into fihghts with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.

It is not the fall that kills you, it's the sudden stop at the end.

Arificial intelligence is not match for natural stupidity.

Always borrow money from a pessimistic, he won't expect it back.

Hospitality: making your guests feel like they are at home, even if you wish they were.

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

Women may not hit harder, but they hit lower.

Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I wanted a second opinion. He said okay, you are ugly too.

Jesus loves you, but everybody else thinks you are an asshole.

I like work, it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.

I should've known it wasn't going to work out between my ex-wife and me. After all I'm a libra and she's a bitch.

Always take life with a pinch of salt, a slice of lemon and a shot of tequila.

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

You're never too old to learn something stupid.

Does this rug smells of chloroform to you.

With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.

A bargain is something you don't need at a price you can't resist.

Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.

A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.

In a Hallmark card: "I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you are still here."

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

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